Thursday, January 04, 2007

Gordon's Breakfast - 36

Of the many things I wished I had never uttered that last sentence is up there quite highly on the list. Immediately after I've said it a fresh round of church titters rises.

"Yes and it was really for old time's sake," Lucy Snowe threw in.
"Anyway who told you," I shout.
"Alison did," and Susan stumps her foot.
"Oh Susan," Alison says sliding down in her seat, baby and all.
"Alison!" I shout, "I can’t believe you did that."
"I told you not to tell anyone."
"Why did you do that?" Larissa Snowe asks.
"Because I thought I was a secret."
"I don't care how many times you did it what are you doing at my wedding?"
"That's pretty obvious," Larissa Snowe cries back.
"Larissa Snowe? Maybe I can take over now?"
"Look can you two just pi…" Adam starts.
"Adam, be quiet," Susan snaps.
"You know why I'm here I can't believe you're marrying Adam."
"Ha, too late," Adam snipes back with a self-satisfied grin on his face.

Susan throws him another dirty look before she stamps her foot again.

"This is precisely why I couldn't ever go out with you even if you had got off your lazy backside and asked me, which you never," did and Susan stamps her foot again to drive this point home.

"What are you talking about this is a grand romantic gesture," I say.
"It's not a grand romantic gesture, you fool, it's a juvenile and immature stunt, which is you all over."
"Well I think it's a grand romantic gesture," Larissa Snowe says.
"I don't care what you think. I bet it wasn't even your idea. I bet it was her idea – who you're sleeping with! Now if you don't have anything else to say will the two of you please go! Now!"
"Of course I have something else to say," I shout back.
"What? I'm waiting," and Susan starts tapping her foot, did I mention Susan can be so demanding sometimes?

Truth is I don't have anything else to say, I can't believe how badly thought through this plan is, but as the seconds tick by I realise if nothing else I have absolutely certainty on my side and logic and so I fall back on the most reliable and quite unbeatable section of my argument.

"You can't marry Adam," I say.
"And why not?"
"Yeah, why not," Adam joins in.
"Adam," Susan says.
"Because he's...oh I don't know, but you can't, what better reason do you need than that?"
"That's not a reason," Susan cries.
"Of course it is," I respond.
"That's useless even by your half baked standards. Adam is mature. He's a grown-up, which is what you need when you're 34."
"That's absolutely rubbish, he's not mature. He's just tall, that's completely different, you're confusing two very separate things."

This last comment of mine is so successful that it draws another round of laughter, which possibly was not the effect I was looking for. Susan on the other hand just makes a loud growling noise in frustration.

"Urrrgh, that's it go, now! Immediately."

I think I'm pretty sure I've blown it at this point and so I look at Larissa Snowe who is grinning back at me sheepishly and then shrugs her shoulders and trying not to look at anyone else we slip out of the pew and walk back down the aisle to the church door. I am desperate to look over my shoulder as we retreat, but despite the strongest temptation I don't.

Outside the sun is shinning brighter than every before. It is in fact a beautifully sunshiny English summers day. Clear and sharply bright causing everything to sparkle. We put on our sunglasses and we light cigarettes.

"Well that went well," I say.
"Hmmm, I thought you gave up too easily."
"Gave up too easily?"
"Yes, I thought you should have fought it out."
"I kind of took my cue to leave when she said go now and immediately. I think it was kind of over by that point. It just left me with the impression that we weren't going to stop any wedding."
"Second thoughts I think you're right as wedding interventions go it was poor."
"Agreed, anyway I think that qualifies rather easily as the most stupid thing I have ever, and I mean ever, done."
"Well I really did think it was a grand romantic gesture. It worked for me."

I shake my head and I feel a smile spread.

"Thanks, you weren't quite the target audience, but hey I guess the market for grand romantic gestures isn't quite what it used to be."
"Well what does one do after trying to break up a wedding?" Larissa Snowe says grinning.
"You know, that's what I like about you, abject failure – you're okay with it. You're just so optimistic."
"Oh I can't hep it. I'm just ready for my next challenge."
"I'm thinking funeral? Not sure what the angle is, but maybe we can swing it. What do you say?"
"Take me to the corpse," Larissa Snowe says laughing, "any suggestions?"
"Well, it's damned sunny and rather a perfect day and considering how quickly alcohol goes to one's head in weather like this I say we drink cocktails and a lavish lunch to celebrate our failed wedding intervention. That leaves you one clear day to recover and sort yourself out for Barcelona."
"Oh I think that's a splendid idea. You do know of course that we will end up very drunk?"
"Hey I'm rather counting on it."
"You know what this means don't you?"
"Errr not exactly."
"We may end up back at my place."

I can't help laughing at this, particularly after everything that has happened back inside the church.

"I'm going to have to take you to weddings more often," I say.
"Come on let's go," Larissa Snowe says.

We walk away from the church, from the guests and leave the wedding to its own devices.


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