Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Gordon's Breakfast - 33

Alison I have been celebrating. I should just say drinking. We have been sitting around drinking wine all evening and to be honest we're a little tipsy, but for a very good cause: it's the first time that Alison has had anything to drink since Caitlin was born. She keeps saying throughout the evening that she feels really rather irresponsible, but I merely encourage her. To be honest I think I'm a bad influence.

Tellingly Alison has insisted we dance and I have heartily acceded to her suggestion. We've been jumping around her sitting room to one track after another, to the Foo Fighters, The Strokes and Feeder. And when the right song has come on we aren't just dancing we've been shouting out the words at the top of our voices like we're in our own private sitting room club.

"I love this song – ‘and there's no new religion and there's no real solution' – and I've always felt that if you can't move around your own house to music then there is something seriously wrong. A little dancing is good for you, right?" asks Alison who is almost pogoing to Feeder.

"Absolutely and I am quite happy to go on record and admit to jumping around the flat to the odd track, but only – and I think this is an important distinction – when it's really too late and I have had too much. Or otherwise when it is exactly like to night."

"...Suffer the breaks, you know I still remember it, keeps burning away, I know that you may take a while, to come back around..."

And then we reprise. Alison is really hollering out the words to this one, shaking her head and belting them out. Suffer the breaks? Yeah, I think we still remember it.

After tiring of the dancing we flop down again and Alison idly leafs through a magazine on the couch and then quickly declares I'm failing after scanning a quiz of things not to do once your in your thirties.

"Gordie you're falling desperately short."
"I am? Damn those lists."
"Afraid so. I've tested you and, really, it's disappointing."
"You're drunk I want a recount."
"Funny, so are you, no recount."
"Okay so how am I failing exactly? Hit me with it."
"You buy wine that costs less than £7 a bottle. That, Gordie, is a terrible crime."
"I can't believe you've picked on that one. I brought champagne to your Christmas party!?"
"You know, I meant to say at the time I thought that was a little ostentatious."
"You didn't say that when you were drinking it."
"Really? Mmm, anyway, you own a watch that definitely cost less than £100 -- fashion faux pas extraordinaire. In fact, you have a teenager's watch. What is that a Timex junior diver's watch?"
"Okay, guilty what can I say I almost never wear a watch any how. Isn't that why they put the time on phones?"
"Cheapskate, what else? Oh, own an item of clothing by Kangol. Guilty again."
"I have a T-shirt, not a stupid hat that I wear backwards or forwards. That seems unfair. I know I'm not Samuel L Jackson and I realise that only black people look cool when they do this."
"Unfair? Repeat after me 'I am not a teenager'. Your Kangol days are over. Oh, I have you on the last two as well. Own a plant that lived longer than 28 days? Come on, your place looks like the CIA has been experimenting with Agent Orange. All your plants are dying."
"OK, guilty, but I think that's only a minor misdemeanour, what else have you got?"
"Right, here goes, deep breath... Still believe that there is someone better out there? So guilty you've dumped more people than a dumpster truck, which is a lot of dumping. You're industrial about it."
"You mean it's not acceptable to believe in this any more?"
"Please tell me you're kidding?"
"I'm kidding?"
"That's kind of sweet, but..."
"Yeah, I know kind of sweet, but sad."
"You've worked your way through the alphabet."
"Hey, I'm not the only one."
"True, but it seems other people realised way before you that ‘S' was the letter you should have stopped at before careering on down the track."
"Oh that's hilarious, no really, just so hilarious ."
"I liked it. So what's your plan?"

I eye Alison for a moment and think of telling her Larissa Snowe's crazy plan. I want to, but I don't simply because it's the craziest plan ever. Seriously, I mean really crazy, like lock me up and throw away the key crazy and crazy like you have to be insane to try this.

Instead, I tell her about the really rather nice lunch I had with Larissa Snowe and just omit the craziness that came out of it and the craziness that is to come.

"You two are spending a lot of time together, I'm beginning to think you're the one they all talk about?" Alison says.
"Which one's that?"
"The three times dumped sucker for punishment."
"Oh that one. That's me, I have the t-shirt, and I tell you soon other people will want that t-shirt as well, it will be like a cult t-shirt and I reckon a movie can not be far behind, besides its different now, we're friends. We work better."
"Mmm you seem to work rather well."
"Just friends, no funny stuff, well some funny stuff, but that's just my jokes falling short of the mark. You know how it is."
"Oh, I know how it is," Alison says.
"No I told you, its not like that."
"But haven't you two been...you know."
"No...well once...oh."

And I totally regret the words the instant they are out of my mouth, it just comes so naturally as I always tell Alison pretty much everything. I'm such a fool when it comes to full disclosure.

"Oh you naughty boy."
"Hey, I'm so far from naughty, I'm as straight laced as they come."
"So much for good friends."
"Hey, it was a one off."
"They’re all one offs."
"Well this was definitely a one off and to be honest I'm pretty sure it was a charity thing on her part."
"Oh don’t say that, I'm sure it wasn't charity, just committed giving," she sniggers.
"Quite, but seriously, I don't think it would have happened if she hadn't been going away."
"Maybe she'll dump you again, you know for old time's sake."
"Oh you're funny."
"Why thank you, you’d have to get new t-shirts printed."
"Look while we're on the subject..."
"Of t-shirts?"
"Not quite."
"I didn’t think so. That's a loose conversational link," Alison says, "I saw that coming a mile away. Probably further."
"I know why can I say? I love my loose conversational links."
"Oh dear, this sounds ominous."
"You know its not, but I kind of think we should have that talk."
"You do? That talk?"
"Yeah 'that talk', I kind of feel that we've been putting it off for months and well, to be honest, I feel pretty bad about that."
"Have you consulted people about this?"
"I have, and widely, market research, pollsters the works."
"Oh really do tell."
"Well I spoke to Johnny and Larissa Snowe, who were in agreement, and my sister for a second female opinion."

Alison laughs at the mention of my sister exactly like she knows something that I already know (it was pointless).

"And what did Sara say?"
"Yeah Sara, well, she just rolled her eyes and blew smoke at me. But you already knew that and besides she does that a lot anyway, so no biggie. Although really is sometimes wish she wouldn't blow smoke just so much."
"And Johnny?"
"Are you sure you want to know?"
"Oh absolutely, if we're going to have 'that talk'."
"Well he said, rather you than me, which was..."
"Honest. It's such a guy thing to say, but you still bought it up?"
"Yeah, I mean I think its one of those things you need to talk about."
"You sound like you read the manual."
"There's a manual? Damn, no body said there was a manual."
"No there's not a manual, which by-the-way is a good thing."
"So do you want to talk?"
"No, not really."
"But it's been months."
"I know, and you know what it is?"
"I wish I did."
"Well I just don't have anything to say about Paul. I really don't."
"Look, Ali, I just worry that we never talk about it and we always avoid it like some piece of unhistory."
"It is unhistory and we don't have to talk about it."
"You never call me Alison, you know that don't you?"
"True, but its such a big thing."
"That's sweet, and you're right it is a big thing. But it's been almost seven months and occasionally it makes me cry when I'm on my own, which is when you're meant to, and it can't last long. Besides, I have Caitlin. And all you. I'm sure it would be different if it wasn't like that, but I'm lucky and it is like that."
"Okay, I'm drunk, but you have me convinced. That can't be a good thing."
"You're a pushover, but you knew that. I'll convince you when you're sober if you like. The funny thing is that everyone expects you to fall apart and sometimes I think maybe I should just fall apart for a few days. Just to set people's mind at rest. Of course, I'd have to make sure as many people as possible were present so no one missed it, but I think that can be arranged."
"What would you do stay in bed and drink gin?"
"Nice idea, but I was rather thinking one quick streak down the street just to get everyone's attention. I'd shout something religious like 'Jesus is here, he's here!' over and over just to make it really convincing and act a little manic and shaky."
"Well if you're going to do something..."


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