Gordon's Breakfast - 11
"What nothing at all, not once? You must have?"
"I swear, never."
"Gord, mate, everyone knows about the whoops incident."
I'm shocked, how on earth can everyone know about that. It's a total MI6 like secret.
"You do, how is that possible, who could have possibly told you?"
"Errr you did, immediately after it happened, you talked about for hours non stop when we got home from the club."
This is a totally mystery, I don't remember any of this.
"Are you sure? I don't remember any of this."
Adam laughs at this point, which is never a good indication at moments like this.
"That's because you insisted we drink that bottle of Tequila. You completely passed out and we found you asleep on the floor in the morning."
"You know, now you mention this, it does sound horribly familiar in a general and non-specific way. Did I make you swear never to let me drink Tequila again?"
"Oh, you sure did."
"I have absolutely no memory of that, damn I thought the whoops incident was totally secret. Does everyone know about it?"
"I would have thought so," Johnny says.
Adam laughs hard at this.
"See I told you Gord was a complete idiot," he says looking to Johnny, "They have had a historic moment, but still why haven't you? Amaze us with a sane explanation."
"It's what the world wants to know," says Johnny.
"Susan's one of my closest friends, why would I? I mean we are together all the time."
"That's my point," says Adam.
"You have a point suddenly? When did that happen? Was there a point meeting? Did someone out of the kindness of their heart give you a point?"
"Yeah, I have a point."
Then he pauses like he's thinking up some diabolical plan.
"Let's try this another way. Think of this as self help. Describe to us now your cardboard cut out perfect woman. Be honest as we could ask just about anyone on the street the question: 'excuse me, but could you tell me what Gord is looking for in a woman?' and they would be able to answer. So for this to work absolute honesty is required on your part."
"Easy 5'5, 5'6, although I don't mind just taller."
"Oh you mean like Larissa Snowe," says Johnny laughing, "just taller than you that is."
"No I don't mean like Larissa Snowe."
"Okay we've done height, which ranges from Susan's just shorter than to Larissa's just taller. What else?"
"Okay, slim, brunette, fair skin, big brown or green eyes, medium sized lips, small eyebrows, smart, wordy funny, and oh yeah I guess if we're being brutally honest, not flat chested - I feel bad for saying that last one, but you said honest right?"
Adam nods, munches on some Doritos and nods.
"Absolutely acceptable. Some people can deal with the washboard, but some people can't. I like it - a lot. What can I say? Personally, I'm fine with the wash board chest, but you on the other hand..."
"You promised that you had a point?"
"Oh and I do, but really that's my point right Johnny?"
Johnny smiles, shuffles the cards.
"That is his point Gordon."
"You lost me."
"Well you just described to us your perfect woman right? A bit of Winona Ryder with a touch of Ally Sheedy and maybe a dab of Kate Beckinsale? Thrown in for good measure."
"That's possibly stretching it. I actually want to date a real girl."
"And we're talking about a real girl. The point is that you just described Susan, more or less, you know give or take and even though Susan is more or less your perfect woman you refuse to ask her out? What Johnny and I want to know is why?"
I look at Adam like he's totally barking. I mean what a stupid question. How could I go out with Susan? I'd have no one to talk to and hangout with. It would be insane.
"We've been over this. Susan's my friend, that's why."
"Lets put this another way, when was the last time you met you ideal woman, you know someone you thought was a vague if not exactly perfect approximation of the girl you would love to go out with?"
"You know I don't think I have. I mean I thought Rachel, and Larissa right at the beginning ... used to make me sort of dizzy, but she did dump me three times, so I guess really if it comes down to it I haven't."
"That's interesting," says Adam nodding, "So lets look at this another way, looking at Susan in a completely neutral way, how many of the qualities you described earlier does she possess? I mean we're just talking on paper here, you know hypothetically?"
I shrug, fidget, on paper?
"On paper? Okay, there are a lot of similarities - but she's a friend."
"So ask her out then, she'll be your girl-friend and if you don't eventually someone else will and you know what will happen then don't you? Right now you see her five times a week? Or is it seven? You two live in each other's flats. You moved to the same god damn street for Christ's sake. But some day not all that far away she's going to meet some guy. They'll start dating and before you know it they'll be talking about moving in. Five minutes later, in the well worn tradition of early thirty something, they'll be standing at the alter and after that your five times a week of Susan will be down to once a week, then once a month. Before you know it you'll be standing there thinking to yourself 'you know I don't think I've seen Susan for years'. That's the future Gord and the only way to avoid it now is to ask out Susan."
"Last time, for the group I am not going to ask out Susan. I can't do anything about the future. Future boy I'm not. I hope it doesn't play out like you said, but then if it does then I guess so it goes."
Adam does a little whistle, shrugs and looking over to Johnny.
"You heard that right?"
Johnny nods, "Yeah, I did. I don't believe I heard it, but sadly I did. Gord mate you're a total fool. It is the most obvious and natural thing in the world to do. I cannot believe you won't do it. It's stupidity on a grand scale. And you wonder why you're single all the time."
"I am not single all the time."
And to be honest, I really didn't mean to sound as testy as I did.
"Oh really," Johnny says again, "other than Larissa, which was what four years ago, virtually prehistoric, as far as I can recall, you haven't lasted more than a few dates with any one. As I said single all the time."
"Okay, so my dating record has not been perfect. Look, what can I say I have not met the right girl. Besides I'm picky, they're picky, everybody's picky, what can I say? The world is big with the pickiness."
"You can say," Johnny says, "that you will ask out Susan."
"No and for the last time no."
"What you won't even give it ago?" Adam pushes.
"NO! Come on guys, read the sign, the sign says time to move on."
"So last time just so we're clear here. You are never ever going to ask Susan out?"
I think Adam must have a blockage. I don't know who many more times I can say it so I say it again one last time for Adam's benefit.
"I swear I will never ever ask Susan out."