The Demographic Shift - 88
I got it again the other week from Alison. I was explaining to her a conversation that I'd had with Adam. We had been sitting talking about 'The One', and then about 'The Other One', you know the girl you are suppose to find having screwed it all up with the one. I know. To be honest I have trouble keeping up as well.
"You have to ask the other one out," Adam went.
"I do? How can I? I have no idea who she is, which presents me with something of a problem."
"Oh come on, you know who the other one is already."
Know who the other one is? What was he talking about? If I knew who the other one was would I be sitting there with him? Suddenly my heart was beating a little faster. It was crazy I know, but maybe Adam knows something that I didn't.
"You're insane, of course I don't know who the other one is."
"Oh come on, why don't you just get it done with an ask out Susan."
I coughed and spluttered into my glass of beer. That's where crazy thinking will get you. Adam doesn't know anything that I don't. He is insane. I can't go out with Susan. No one can. That's the rule as Susan is our friend and if we started dating her and…well, she wouldn't be a friend anymore, she would be…I don't know? A girlfriend…or something and really that's bound to get complicated.
"You're insane. I can't go out with Susan."
"I maybe insane, but you're an idiot."
Anyway, I was explaining Adam's Susan connected insanity to Alison and it turns out she was full of the same variety of craziness. Alison is meant to be super smart and really not full of the same insanity, but I think sense giving birth she might have lost some of that dependable sanity smarts that she once had.
"I don't think that's insane at all. Why won't you go out with Susan?"
"Oh come on not you as well."
"Okay, let me ask you this, do you think she's attractive?"
It's a trick question, but I know, but knowing it's a trick question I still feel sort of inclined to tell the truth.
"Of course she is attractive, but I've known her for years and, well, there you go?"
"There you go? That's not much of an answer."
"I know, but it's all I've got."
"You must have thought about it, come on tell me you have never thought about it."
Really at this point, I should have said that I had never thought about it, but I knew what would happen I would just burst out laughing. I always do that after I have consumed something like a bottle of Chablis.
"Okay, so I might have thought about it, but in my defence only idly, in the same way you think 'mmm, I wonder how the plot of Lost will work out'."
"Ha? What does that mean?"
"It means just that, I knew you must have given it some thought."
"Yeah, but only in passing, a casual thought. Nothing more."
"I don't believe you? Have you ever made one of those discreet, sneaky hardly even noticeable, footsie type passes? Come on and I can tell when you're lying."
"You can? How?"
"I don't know, it's the big grin or something. I think it gives it all away."
"I can, cross my heart, et cetera, I have never made a sneaky pass. Honest. Now tell me, what my face says?"
Alison looked at me for ages. She leant across the kitchen table, looked left and right, and sat back looking a little disappointed.
"Okay, so no sneaky pass, but Gordie, really you really should think about a sneaky pass."
"Earth to Alison, no sneaky pass, besides the only time I ever tried that it, to be honest it didn't workout so well."
"You made a sneaky pass? I don't think I remember this one? Details."
"It was Karen, remember, who I used to work with?"
"Oh didn't you two sort of hang out a lot?"
It's true we did, we used to go to lots of gigs together. She was perfect in that we both had the same taste in music and she was sort of cool, but there was had never been any chemistry. I had no intention of even doing it.
We were mates and it was kind of embarrassing as I was sober, so I can't really explain it.
We had been at this gig in Kentish Town and were sitting in some pub afterwards when her foot started playing footsie – at least I thought it did – so I did it back, I don't know why, I just did.
"Hey, what do you think you're doing?" she goes.
"Me nothing, it was you and your footsie foot."
"I was not footsing."
"I promise you. I was moving my leg."
Hey, how was I supposed to know? Some people, I tell you.