The Demographic Shift - 80
"You're definitely getting eccentric. I'm noticing a lot of eccentric-like behaviour with you."
This is totally uncalled for. For instance, eccentric people wear slippers. I don't wear slippers. I tell Susan this.
"Eccentric people wear slippers, I've never owned slippers, well at least not in living memory. There were the crazy aunt slippers, but slippers were crazy aunts Christmas thing."
"I'll give you the slipper thing."
"You're a generous girl."
"It's been said. But you walk around the house in sandals. In the winter."
Susan throws her hands forward to emphasise the point about sandals. It's true I do, but they're black Nike sandals, and I only do this as floorboards are kind of tough on socks. See I'm definitely practical and not eccentrical. Okay, that's not a word, but it could be.
"But they're Nike sandals, they're black and cool and I only do this to emphasis that I'm a slave to globalisation."
"I'll give you the slave thing. You are so a slave."
"The cereal thing. That is definitely eccentric."
The cereal. I hadn't thought about that may Susan was right. Maybe that was the one chink in my eccentric-free life maybe that was the start. The start of the getting older/getting slightly wacky with the eccentricity.
I should explain. I really like breakfast cereal. I always have. A house without breakfast cereal is like…oh I don't know a breakfast cereal-less kind of house, but the thing is, despite a long search, I have never found the ideal cereal. I know because really I have tried and I have gone through every cereal phase that is humanly imaginable. None of these last as cereal sickness kicks in and you find that you can not got on for one reason or another.
For instance the really really healthy phase.
This involves each a solid like bran cereal, straight up no punches pulled chunky bran (such as All-Bran or Bran Flakes) or Shredded Wheat. I tell myself it tastes good and that even better it is doing good, but after a while I find that the whole eating cardboard with a look of staunch determination on my face is really perhaps not the best way to start the day. Not to mention that special taste of wheaty straw. Healthy cereal kick is abandoned.
The really really not so healthy phase
This involves eating something like, and almost certainly is, Crunchy Nut Cornflakes. You know what I'm talking about, you know exactly how delicious they taste. They're nectar of the cereal gods and I'm pretty much convinced that up on Mount Olympus Zeus, Apollo and the crew tuck into this bowl of heaven every day. Well that is until it dawns on me and my body that despite their absolute Hobnob tastiness the process it is in fact just like sitting down to a bowl of sugar for breakfast and after a couple of weeks I start to think that really I'm probably getting a little too rushy in the morning with all the sugar intake. It's at this point that I switch again and opt for the third way.
The kind of healthy phase
This involves eating one of those cereals like Fruit N Fibre, a mix of bran/oat flakes. You know kind of healthy, but still a little tasty, but like all third ways, this phase is a disaster. It's neither one thing nor the other and really it's more of the other than anything else. More cardboard and not even a hint of sugary goodness.
There are other options of course. Sometimes I go mad for a bowl of Shreddies, but really they're just another variation of the sugary goodness of Crunchy Nut Cornflakes, and who needs to lose another tooth?
The solution – cereal combining
I swear I have found the answer. Why no one doesn't do this I have no idea, but here's what I do. I buy (and it varies) a packet of either bran flakes with sultanas/Fruit N Fibre and combine with some honey nut cornflakes.
Sure, I get cereal all over the worktop and kitchen floor as I pour from one packet to another and shake well to ensure a good intermix of cereal varies, but it's the only way to get the perfect cereal that combines a certain sugary goodness with healthy bran/oaty/fruity goodness.
"I think you're right on the cereal front," I tell Susan.
"Oh I know I'm right. If you were a woman you would have cats, but instead you stand in your kitchen mixing up packets of cereal, like some crazy cereal person."
"Hey, it taste good."
"I know that's exactly what the crazy cereal person would say, wait until you're like sixty. You'll have a house full of cereal."
"You're harsh," I tell her not for the first time, "why don't you go out and get a cat, make it two."
"But Gord you know I don't like cats."
"Oh damn you and your lack of cat appreciation."