The Demographic Shift - 73
Sarah, of course, is best known, among other things, for such helpful advice as whatever, under no circumstances, put a loo in your kitchen when redeveloping your home. Who would do this? The answer sadly (perversely?) is too many people. There must be like a society or something.
Better still, on a recent show she advised one woman that really it was probably not much of a hot idea to turn a four-bedroom house into a 10-bedroom mini bedsit ghetto. I mean who would have guessed?
The best thing about her show is that these mindless loons usually ignore her advice and can't quite understand where they went wrong. You know, like what's planning permission anyway?
Personally, I have found that no end of viewer interaction, also known as shouting at the TV screen ("OMG, how is it possible to be so stupid"), works, these people cannot be saved but really it's a great way of blowing off steam.
Such inexplicable lifestyle choices come up in the people our friends and we go out with and sometimes similar harsh advice is needed. Although I try not to shout.
I, for instance, am always offering helpful advice to my friends on the people they date. Adam, for instance, likes to date crazy foreign women or rather these are the people he somehow ends up dating. I think the two are related.
Although to be fair, he did correct me on this earlier this week and pointed out that really he isn't prejudiced.
"It's not just crazy foreign women, it's crazy English ones as well."
It must be like having a Gaydar, but attuned to the unstable, you know, like an insaneometer or something.
"Beside they don't appear unbalanced or disturbed it's only when you get to know them."
But that's kind of like a lot people really isn't it?
Susan, for instance, constantly dates people with unfortunate names (I know pot kettle et cet) called Robin (numbering two) and Jeremy who are all former public school boys. These relationships never work out and I tell her regularly that under no circumstances should she date anyone called Robin or Jeremy. Although she's told me to stop shaking her shoulders when I do this, which is fair enough.
I'm worried that one day she might meet the Jeremy I shared a house with at Cardiff. When we came home from University one day he had taken all the sharp knives and stabbed them into the underside of the kitchen cupboards, which was sort of disturbing like The Shining had come to visit and had forgotten to call ahead.
As one of my other housemates remarked at the time, "That's definitely the start of something".
Susan has not been out with anyone for ages. She's gone all recluse like. It's swings and roundabouts. Earlier on the year, she was in like a dating frenzy, if that's at all possible, and talked about great lengths about "dating momentum".
I, she told me, had none, which was true. I'm just not momentum-type guy, but now Susan has none as well. She's gone all Austin Powers like and mislaid the mojo, which is when I was thinking this Sarah Beeny dating caper, Mysinglefriend.com, was ideal for Susan.
The key to the Mysinglefriend.com is it allows friends to recommend their single friends by writing testimonials. You write a sort of online review of them and its aimed at those people who are turned off by traditional dating sites.
I tell Susan about this, telling her that I could write an absolutely brilliant testimonial, so good in fact that she was bound to get endless amounts of dates.
"Endless amounts of dates?"
"But that sounds like hell on earth with fire and lots of brimstone."
"You say that, like it's a bad thing?"
"Seriously, the point is that I don't want endless amounts of dates."
"Really? You haven't heard the best bit yet. You get friends to write testimonials. I'd be only too happy to write one."
"Testimonials? That sounds...oh I don't know, like an awful idea, so what would you write? Not that I'm even slightly interested."
See, I knew this would interest her. So I tell her what I would write.
"Attractive acerbic witty brunette likes to get the last word in and not averse to the occasional put down. Interested in French film, lit and skiing. Can even snowboard. Best suited to someone who does not get unduly upset by people regularly hanging up on them – what do you think?"
"Who on earth would apply to an ad that like?"
"Oh I would definitely reply, I'm completely immune to the whole telephone hang-up thing."
"Oh that's very funny. Besides, you can't ski."
"True, which must be why we don't go out."
"Gord there are many reasons why we don't go out, but really that's not one of them."
I swear that girl can be so harsh sometimes.